Tuesday, April 01, 2003

It would probably be better for me if I didn't know this. If I had to know it, it would surely be better not to care enough to talk about it. Casting those guidelines into the wind, I'd like to engage in a bit of a web-assisted mind boggle.

Today is April 1, favorite day of 13 year olds and web satirists and others, I guess, because of the unique avenues for tomfoolery it presents. Today I saw Teevee's very funny, though too-plausible, effort. And I guess that was about it. I think.

The news doesn't stop for anything, even the sad shut-in news for losers, though, which brings me to today's wacky(?) news items on The Sci-Fi Channel's information ministry website. Things start out more or less normal. A remake of The Thing? As a four hour miniseries? Well, sure, why not? Every generation needs one, it seems, though I'm at a loss on where it will go. We've got the extra gooey version, the square-jaw version, and ten different X-Files versions already. But I am not a Hollywood Fatcat, despite my most desperate efforts.

Things go on and get odder. Like, you want new made for TV movies about wizards and invasive species? They have your back! A list includes: Dragon Storm, in which John Rhys-Davies just sort of shrugs and begins saving up for retirement. It features dragons. But they are from OUTER SPACE! Idaho Creature Incident, in which there is a space alien. In Idaho. Ghost Monkey. GHOST MONKEY. Ghost Monkey. Ghost Monkey is based on a true story. Sort of. Snakehead Terror, which is about those fish that were much in the news last year. But what if they were huge and ate people? I bet you'd be sorry. Now you can be! Then there are some other movies that don't sound very good at all, but do manage to sound like plausible production ventures.

Then there will be a new show next year called Dead Lawyers. "DreamWorks Television (Steven Spielberg Presents Taken) produces this one-hour series, about hotshot defense attorney Jimmy Quinn, who is run over by a bus and finds himself in a law firm composed of unscrupulous lawyers who must return from the dead to redeem themselves by defending everyone they screwed when they were aliveā€”pro bono!" The "pro bono!" made me giggle.

Surely some of these are funny hoaxes, and we will all enjoy a good laugh tomorrow. In the meantime, my next project is ripped from today's headlines: Terrorists take over a hospital quarantined due to a crippling outbreak of a killer pneumonia strain. Whoops!

Also, the terrorists are vampires.

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